I’m so dizzy, my head is spinning…
September 1, 2023
Submitted by Dave Garton
Most old playgrounds across the country still have one of those round flat metal steel discs with bars on the outside to spin it around with. It’s called a merry-go-round. There was always an excited younger child who hopped on, only to be terrified by older children yelling and spinning it faster into dizzying rotation. Of course, the poor youngster who couldn’t hold on against the growing centrifugal force would be flung off the ride into the glass-filled gravel surrounding it. It would be off to the ER, rest of their summer now devoid of swimming, one (or more) limbs in white plaster cast(s).
Surely, some of the other children —or parents— recognizing the plight of the hapless rider would try to help. Yet the best they could do with this rapidly spinning steel wheel would be to tap the bars as it went around, slowing it gradually with each tap, until it could finally be brought to a halt to let the sobbing child off the ride.
My first forays into meditation revealed rather quickly the momentum of my own merry-go-round mind. My unexamined mind had been revving up the speed of my habitual mind for a long time. I received directions: when I noticed thinking, I was to “come back” and again place my attention back on the sensations of the body breathing. I knew the definition of the word gentle yet my habitual style of thinking really could not comprehend gentleness in meditation. For me, every time I noticed thinking, it was an admission of failure. I took it hard. I was horrible meditator, I thought, and the problem with me was…….and round and round and round.
Fortunately, in a lighter mood during a meditation session, I playfully named my mind Floppy, picturing a bouncing golden lab barking and bolting every which way — the least behaved, most ill-mannered dog of all time. I acknowledged that in my mind the shrine room had become a dog park. I took solace in recognizing I was not unique in this melee. I could not be the only one, right? This had to be going on with everyone in the fenced confines of the other minds in the shrine room.
I also remembered with a warm heart my own dog, Boots, from my childhood. Boots was always ecstatic to see me when I came home. She would wag her tail, shaking her entire body even if I just went to the mail box and back. So what I added kindness to my practice: when I noticed I was thinking, and came back to the meditation cushion, I greeted myself, scratching Floppy behind the ears with warmth, just as Boots used to greet me. These became the gentle taps on my spinning mind. Slowly the speed and aggression of the spinning mind diminished. Coming back to attention on the breath with a gentle and kind greeting to myself, I developed a familiarity, humor, and confidence that Floppy could become an impeccably trained and powerful friend.
It can take a lot of taps to slow the spinning mind. Every meditation session is its own unique visit to the playground. Yet with repeated friendly greetings on coming back from thinking, camaraderie developed between my mind and body. I have watched Floppy take off along so many neural fence lines that I know exactly the flavors of my thoughts. I now trust myself to discern what to allow and what not to allow. Floppy still rolls in some nasty stuff sometimes, but I love the dog unconditionally. The heart and quality of our minds is love and affection. To know the company of fellow human beings who care enough about themselves and the world to start tapping, slowing down the merry-go-round, is to come to know love, and and to recognize clearly when the spinning finally stops.
“You do not need to be afraid of who you are.” ~ Chögyam Trungpa
